Last night before bed, I opened my facebook account when I
saw the news about the death of a very
beautiful person I know splashed across my homepage. There were status updates
and facebook groups paying tributes about what a wonderful person he was and grieving how
he went so unexpectedly.
I was just so sad. A pang of pain hit my heart. How
can someone so beautiful, so full of life and vibrant die just like that? Why do he have to
die so young? My thoughts went to the family
of the deceased. I know how hard it is to see your loved ones die. It is a gut
wrenching trauma that rips your heart because you can’t comprehend the finality and
totality of death. It felt like the ultimate separation and ultimate leaving
of someone you love so much, so final that there is no going back. It seems
like all you could do is hold their hand
at their last moments in the house while the Pastor gives the final tribute,
and you know there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you sat there biting
your lips while tears flood your face while you are absorbed by disbelief of
truth as sharp as knife.
Then it made me think about my own mortality, and everyone
elses. One day y’know our time will come. I know it’s too morbid or gruesome to
think about it if we are healthy and happy. But death is real and sooner or
later it’s gonna happen. It could be a car accident, a disease, an epidemic,
cancer, a plane crash! A small lump in the throat could
paralyze me with fear.
I am so afraid of my loved ones dying. Sometimes
I keep thinking what would I do if someone I love died. If my brother do not
come home late at night, I start worrying whether he’ll come home safe or not. I
know it’s being selfish but I always wished I’d die first. It’s just that it’s
something I can never come to terms with though I know it’s inevitable.
I thought about my life today and what I’ve done with it.
What if I have just one more day to live? What if I were to die today? What if someone I love die today? I am so
scared of it that all I could do is seek the Lord because I know only He can
provide comfort. God created us, put us on earth for a reason, and I somehow
believe when he takes back from us, when we thought God has taken our loved ones away from us, I’m
sure He’ll have a reason too. His ways are
always perfect and He knows what’s best for us, and only in that faith can I
gain comfort. Just maybe, in these diminishments, we can best experience God's love for us, for in our powerlessness, we can experience our need for a Savior and His ready embrace.
All I know is that I want to be ready when I stand before
God and that I have not wasted my life. But today, I am
ashamed that I call myself a Christian when I have never once prayed for a
friend who is a non believer that he/she might accept Jesus one day. I am
ashamed that I always have hundred reasons not to attend church. I am ashamed that somedays I get too busy
at work to spend even 2 minutes to thank God who gives me good health so that I
can do my work. I am ashamed that some nights I don’t even pray.
